Why Does Grief Come and Go in Waves?

Why Does Grief Come and Go in Waves?

Understanding the rise and fall of grief without judgment

If you’ve ever thought, “I was doing okay… why does this hurt again?” you’re not alone.

Grief has a way of returning when you least expect it. One day feels manageable. The next day feels heavy again. When that happens, many women begin to wonder if they’re healing the “wrong” way but grief coming and going in waves is not a failure. It is not regression and it does not mean you’re stuck.

It means your heart remembers.

Grief Is Not Linear (Even Though We Expect It to Be)

Many of us are taught—directly or indirectly—that healing should move in a straight line. That time should steadily make things easier. That once we’ve “processed” a loss, it should hurt less and less but grief doesn’t work that way.

Grief moves more like the ocean than a staircase.
It rises.
It falls.
It ebbs.
It returns.

Some days feel lighter.
Some days feel heavier.
Both are normal.

Why Grief Comes and Goes in Waves

Grief comes in waves because it is shaped by memory, attachment, and the nervous system, not just by thoughts. You don’t consciously choose when grief shows up. Your body and heart often respond before your mind understands why.

Here’s what’s happening beneath the surface......

Your Body Remembers Before Your Mind Does

Grief lives in the body as much as it lives in the mind.

Smells.
Sounds.
Places.
Dates.
Objects.
Moments of quiet.

These things can awaken emotional memory instantly. Before you have time to think, “This reminds me of them,” your body has already reacted. Your chest tightens. Your breath shifts. Your emotions rise.

This is why grief can feel sudden and confusing. Your body remembers the loss before your mind names it.

Triggers Awaken Emotional Memory

Grief waves are often triggered, not because you’re thinking about the loss constantly, but because something in the present moment connects to the past.

A song.
A season.
A familiar routine.
A holiday.
A time of day.

These triggers don’t mean you’re dwelling. They mean your nervous system recognizes something meaningful.

Grief waves are emotional echoes, not setbacks.

Your Capacity Changes From Day to Day

Another reason grief comes and goes is that you change.

Your energy changes.
Your stress level changes.
Your responsibilities change.
Your support changes.

Some days you have more room to hold grief and some days you don’t. Grief may feel lighter when life feels steadier and heavier when you’re already carrying more. This doesn’t mean grief is worse. It means your capacity is different.

Why Grief Can Feel Worse After You Thought You Were Okay

Many women feel alarmed when grief resurfaces after a period of calm.

“I thought I was past this.”
“Why does this still hurt?”
“Am I going backward?”

Grief returning doesn’t mean healing stopped. It means healing is layered.

Each wave often brings a different aspect of the loss:

• longing

• identity shifts

• future grief

• changes in relationship to memory

Healing doesn’t erase grief. It helps you relate to it differently over time.

Grief Waves Are Not a Sign of Weakness

Grief waves don’t mean you’re fragile. They don’t mean you’re failing or you haven’t healed enough. They mean love left an imprint. Grief comes in waves because love doesn’t disappear just because someone is gone.

What to Do When a Grief Wave Hits

You don’t need to fight the wave or analyze it. And you don’t need to “fix” yourself.

Instead, try this:

• Name what’s happening: “This is a grief wave.”

• Breathe slowly.

• Lower expectations for yourself.

• Offer comfort instead of criticism.

• Let the wave pass without judgment.

Grief waves rise and they fall.

A Gentle Reminder

You are not going backward or broken. You are not failing at healing. Grief comes and goes in waves because your heart remembers what mattered and remembering does not mean you are stuck.
It means you loved deeply.

If This Resonated With You

You may benefit from gentle, body-based grief tools that help you understand triggers, emotional waves, and the nervous system responses behind them.

You don’t have to navigate grief by force.
You can move through it with understanding.